We’ve all had moments when we’ve thought,
“She could do it yesterday, so why can’t she do it today?”
And then perhaps the less than helpful comments from others that she’s being ‘lazy’ or ‘defiant’ or ‘manipulating you’.
In reality, more often than not, when a child can do something one day, but not the next, it comes down to their capacity.
You might say that everyone’s capacity fluctuates from day to day and this is certainly true. However, I would argue that not everyone has the same drains on their capacity. Neurodivergent girls may struggle with:
sensory issues around clothing, lights, noise, food etc;
sleep issues such as struggling to get to sleep or waking up frequently
hyper vigilance and/or intrusive thoughts;
changes in routine
social and communication difficulties which can make siblings relationships and friendship dynamics much harder;
executive functioning challenges, which can make things like getting dressed, packing a schoolbag and making decisions much more difficult;
All of these act as a drain on their capacity.
When you also factor in the fact that many neurodivergent girls mask their difficulties, and the energy required to do so, it’s perhaps not surprising that neurodivergent girls can struggle with huge fluctuations in their capacity.
She can be absolutely capable of doing something. But that doesn’t mean she has the capacity to do it,
every day
in every environment
under every level of demand
When she’s struggling with low capacity, you might notice that she:
struggles with decisions;
needs more help to get ready in the morning;
has less tolerance for siblings;
has bigger reactions to ‘small’ problems;
struggles more with sensory issues around food, clothing, noises etc;
and needs you to do things she can technically do herself.
That last one is really important.
Because needing help with something she can technically do isn’t necessarily a sign of regression or laziness. It often means she’s used up so much of her capacity on something else that she doesn’t have enough for this particular task or demand.
At times like these it can be helpful to ask yourself,
“What’s using up more of her capacity right now?”
You can then look for ways in which you can temporarily:
reduce demands;
offer more support;
simplify choices;
increase predictability;
build in more ‘downtime’.
In practice that might look like skipping extra-curricular activities that week, planning a quieter weekend with more time for regulation and rest, or cancelling social plans.
You might consider helping her lay out her clothes for the next day, or help her with things like getting dressed or brushing teeth.
Maybe the homework or times tables practice could wait for another day when capacity is higher?
As parents we can often worry that providing more support might make our children ‘too dependent’ or signify a regression.
In reality, you’re responding to what her nervous system needs right now and enabling her capacity to recover so that she can continue to make progress in a sustainable way.
Neuro Nest shares information and lived experience to support parents of neurodivergent children. It isn’t a substitute for individual medical, diagnostic or professional advice
